When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul."
Caring for someone with a chronic illness is the most difficult role I have ever had to fill! Over fifteen years have passed since my wife became ill and it does not get easier with time. Days like today, when a seizure interrupts an MRI, throw me into a hyper-vigilance that is second to none! The dictionary defines hyper-vigilance as, "extreme or excessive vigilance: the state of being highly or abnormally alert to potential danger or threat." While this seems like it is a somewhat normal response to a family member taking a ride by ambulance to an emergency room, living in this state constantly exhausts the body and the mind. Fifteen years of constantly battling an array of illnesses, fighting as an advocate for my wife's treatment, worrying about taking time off from work, waiting for the next health dilemma to interrupt my life, hoping doctors and staff don't think my wife is just seeking drugs, and many other issues are just some of the racing thoughts that traverse my brain on a daily basis. Then there are the kids' needs! It is a never-ending cycle of obsessive behavior that mentally and physically exhausts me!
"Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul."
I feel the hyper-vigilance switch flip in my mind as soon as something happens. Today it was when I received a text that read, "I don't know. They can't stop it. Dr. just told me they called EMS." At that very moment, I switched off the carefree lunch I was having with a friend and became super focused. I felt my heart rate increase. My mind raced through all of the scenarios that could possibly happen. What if she didn't wake up from this one? What if it caused permanent brain damage? How could I raise the kids alone? What would I tell them? It was one scenario after another during the entire twenty-five minute drive to the hospital. I was trying to look around every corner possible for trouble that may be looming. This was exhausting! Even as I sit here 4 hours later, find that I am just now coming out of this hyper-vigilant state. I know my body is paying a price every time I switch.
As caregivers, we have to find ways to take care of ourselves from time to time. I am absolutely the worst at this! Finding time to do something for me seems like an insurmountable task. Especially at the end of the day when I am exhausted. Today I did make time to pray, put on noise-canceling headphones, and listen to "It Is Well" on repeat! It gave me time to clear my heart and bring my blood pressure down.
Those of you who are caregivers, do you find yourself in a state of hyper-vigilance when health issues arise? Hope do you cope?
